Don’t Go Back!

When you are rebuilding it’s easy to cruise through life mindlessly thinking that now you will automatically make right choices or good relationships will just come to you.  But it takes effort and awareness to make right choices and actually renewing your mind as well, reminding yourself to ask God to help you to see clearly to make wise choices when it comes to relationships.  Don’t choose people with the same abusive patterns or the patterns that have kept you bound for years.  Be alert, know that loving people can also mean praying for them without being in close relationships with them.

Psalm 27:13-14

13 I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living.

Let’s Normalize Allowing People to Work Through the Long Term Effects of Trauma

 Healing from sexual abuse can take a lifetime. The severity of the abuse, frequency, and type affects the long term outcomes.  Even, when you have forgiven you may still have some issues that come or long term effects.  So, forgiveness is necessary but not always the only solution.  

For example, for me if someone is forcing themselves on me consistently to show them affection, I have felt anxiety and sometimes sadness.  I never knew this was a trigger for me until later in life.  I had to start paying attention to what triggered me so that I could start setting healthy boundaries.  Triggers often create the feeling of lack of control over one’s own body or life, that what you say doesn’t matter.  The control I have over that is being careful of my environment and how I respond at that time.  For some, it may be that certain smells of situations that trigger a memory or a feeling and they have to work through that so that it doesn’t destroy their whole perspective.  Having memories or triggers doesn’t mean forgiveness hasn’t been granted.

If we continue to have a get over it mentality, sometimes those unaddressed feelings turn into maladaptive behaviors.  Even though you do not have to focus on the effect or the abuse, it is important to face the issue or the feelings that were triggered and confront it with truth, then move forward.  For instance, if the situation isn’t a threatening situation, I remind myself it is not threatening and that I have control over my own body.  Speaking up also helps with the idea that what I say doesn’t matter, when my boundaries have been crossed.

Please understand, oftentimes, people who have experienced sexual abuse do not have control how often memories recur.  There are so many triggers. It has definitely become a bit easier for me over time because the truth is winning.  

This is more of an educational post because I recognized there are some misconceptions out there.  When we stop putting so much pressure on each other and on ourselves, we can walk through these challenges with more ease.  

“He gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning and peace for despair.”

Isaiah 61:3

Share Your Story: Someone needs to hear it in order to survive

 There is some power in sharing your story with others.  You do not have to share explicit details or details you are not comfortable with sharing with others in order to share how you overcame.  You can simply share how you overcame a trial. Sometimes we may think “but I haven’t been perfected yet, how can I share my story?”  If you are still here after abuse, God has given you the grace to survive and overcome.  We will never be perfect on this side.  But as you grow and heal you will learn new truths to apply to your life that will help you take another step forward.  Of course, it’s important in knowing your audience, taking into consideration age and maturity when sharing specific details of your story.

Sharing your story doesn’t have to happen on a large scale, it may happen on an individual level, one on one.  You may recognize someone going through a particularly difficult time or someone struggling with what you have been through and feel led to say something.  There are not always questions, but be prepared for questions or sometimes someone may not be as knowledgeable in this area.

Your story is powerful, let God use it because someone needs to hear it!

II Corinthians 1:3-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

New Identity

Sometimes when you have been abused you may have feelings of rejection.  I carried those feelings for a very long time.  But when you live with that feeling you may hide your true self for fear of being rejected again.  You may also hide under shame and other negative feelings.  But don’t let those things blind you to your true worth.  I had to fight to walk in my  identity.  It’s not a one day and done thing.  It’s a daily reminding yourself of the truth thing.  I would put scriptures on my wall to remind me that “I am fearfully and wonderfully made,” “His own special people,” “His workmanship.”  God loves you and He loves me. Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

When we were created, we were created in His image and that alone gives us worth and value.  Along with that God gave us some talents and when we come to know Him, gifts. We were created for purpose.  When you start to focus on using your gifts and talents from the place where you are already loved.  It clears your vision to see who God is and who He created you to be.  We get a tiny span of time on earth and we want to use it to the fullest and not be bogged down by fear of others.  God has created us uniquely for a purpose.  Start by recognizing your talents and gifts and work on them, you will begin to see things that you are very passionate about and maybe even discover your purpose as a result.  Don’t box God in, your gifts and talents can be used in ways you haven’t even thought of yet, be open.  You have a purpose bigger than yourself, bigger than the labels you or others have put on you.  Start to ask God to help you come out from under the rubble of shame and rejection.  He will shine through and your personality will shine through and you will find a freedom you never knew existed.  Your new identity is here but you may have to fight to walk in it, FIGHT.

Examine Your Relationships

Relationships can be a place with more abuse or control when you have not dealt with past sexual abuse.  This can be minimized or eliminated by addressing two main lies “I am worthless, I am unloved.”

Start from a place of knowing that you are loved by a big God, and “you are of more worth than many sparrows.”  I believed for a long time that I was worthless and unloved.  When I started from the place of being loved it helped me to set boundaries and try to address things earlier.

Set boundaries.  I continued to choose relationships where there were high levels of control, feeling unable to stop the pattern.  Once I started believing God loved me, things started to change and it became more apparent when someone was trying to control me, because I could not see it before.  Someone who consistently uses shame and excessive criticism to get someone to do what they want has an issue with control.  I continued to apologize for things when I actually wasn’t wrong or for personal choices.  You can still love someone and set boundaries.  Boundaries may look like; minimizing conversations, not being close to that individual, speaking up, ending the relationship, etc.

Romans 12:3 “For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.” I had to recognize that I am not strong in this area of standing up for myself to the point where I have been heard.  It’s important to recognize your weaknesses and strengths.  So, if I have spoken up repeatedly and have not been heard then I have to start setting boundaries.  It helps to minimize the creation of controlling or abusive relationships.  

I used to ignore other people’s weaknesses.  When you have been abused sometimes you make up stories that makes the abuser appear in a better light or covers up the abuse.  Start trying to see people as they are.  You can still love someone even knowing they have weaknesses.  So, if you notice that someone is particularly controlling, just step back and consider how to proceed.  Don’t be afraid to take into consideration the feedback from those who sincerely care about you, because it may be difficult to see problematic relationships because past abuse.  There are some relationships or some places it may be best that you just never be in.  Take a good, sober look at the relationships you are in and pray and ask God to give you a clear view what is best for you. Be prepared and open to what He shows you.

It is not unchristian or unloving to set boundaries.  We all have weaknesses, “all have sinned.”  Sometimes those weaknesses don’t work together well, so we may not be close to everyone and that’s okay.  

Speak Up!! (The Cost of Silence)

The silence can be a thief, killing you slowly on the inside. It robbed me of the ability to grieve properly and process things in a healthy way.  You can keep so many secrets regarding abuse, you continue into adulthood with those same practices and no longer even recognize that you are keeping a secret.  I am 40 years old and memories and clarity are finding me and I felt unprepared for it.  Please understand that sometimes things may not come clear until later in life.  However, if you do get counseling, remember don’t be afraid to discuss the things you feel are particularly shameful it may save you some problems later.  I didn’t remember everything that happened when I was sexually abused but I didn’t realize 40 was the time I would start remembering.  So, I would say keeping certain things inside prevented me from having a proper perspective on things and caused me to allow unacceptable behaviors in relationships, sometimes not recognizing it was not appropriate.

Silence is taught.  Abusers teach you to be quiet, while instilling fear of the consequences of speaking out.  We can break the pattern, start speaking up with someone who is trusted who can help you.  Don’t speak with someone with a pattern of putting you down or divulging your personal information, do a mental review of their history and maturity. I didn’t realize I would still be quiet with new situations in my life, it’s important to break the cycle.  It’s hard.  I don’t say this as someone who has arrived or even near to it, I say this as someone who has made a mistake and would hate to see someone else suffer the way I did.  My silence has taken a toll on my mental health and relationships.  Slowly making a concentrated effort to be vulnerable with the people I believe God is leading me to do so with is helping me just to be accountable and real with myself.  Unfortunately, coming to this realization at this point in life has brought on much discouragement but an encouraging friend reminded me that this is common.

Sometimes people may say “you just gotta move forward and don’t focus on the past.”  While it is true that you can’t make what has happened your primary focus, unresolved trauma affects your behavior and can be the breeding ground for mental illness.  It can cloud your judgement in regards to people and other significant things in your life such as your purpose.  Your unresolved trauma can affect the people around you.  Don’t stuff it, don’t minimize it, but speak up so you can get the help you need.  I can’t stress enough to be cautious about who you open up to, but it is a risk that you take when you are ready.  Don’t assume because someone is older they may be better able to help you, wisdom is key.  The best way to your healing is the way God takes you, so ask Him which way to go.  God has chosen to use multiple ways in my journey to healing.  I believe as we learn to speak up we will empower our children and the younger generation to speak up, break the cycles of shame and abuse, and bring more awareness to the prevalence of sexual abuse/assault.

Ephesians 5:11-13 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.”

Don’t confuse passivity with humility, they are two different things.  Bring the secrets into the light, so that God’s transforming power can turn your pain into power, power to reflect His light through a dark situation.

AFTER FORGIVENESS: THEN WHAT?

Live your life in freedom.  Recognize that you’ve already won, you’re here today so it means you survived when you thought you wouldn’t.  You may have challenges in the future but you can overcome them through the power of God.  Don’t allow your past to limit you, if there are challenges that you still need counseling for get it, if you have to just do things a little bit differently just to overcome then do it but don’t give up.

Some of the challenges I have heard about intimacy in marriage, clothing, continued flashbacks, etc.  Guess what, I have also heard of some people having awesome intimacy in marriage in-spite of what has happened, so we cannot predict what happens in the future.  Just take it one day at a time.  For me it’s just been flashbacks which are usually triggered by unwanted, startling touch and it’s very infrequent. I also had an issue with my clothing, wanting to cover up excessively on a few occasions because I didn’t want to attract any unnecessary attention.  Some things will be under the surface and you won’t be able to recognize that this is something from your past.  But you have to trust that God will do His part in helping you to heal.  Give yourself a lot of grace, you will need it.

Watch out for controlling or abusive future relationships.  Unfortunately, it is true that you may be susceptible to further abuse.  Train yourself to speak up when you are mistreated, you will have to renew your mind in order determine what is mistreatment or you may miss it or everything will seem like mistreatment.  Control was used in this way in the past sexual; they used shame, a behavior that was not wrong in and of itself, manipulation, they twisted the truth.  Generally,  there is a lack of respect.  If my new relationship follows these patterns there is too much control.  You may wonder why I use the past abusers to determine what I will accept now, because there is a pattern and sometimes similarities in people who have issues with control.  People who love you are honest with you while giving you room to make decisions and be who God has called you to be.  Recognize that you are worthy of love and respect, you are God’s image bearer.  Continue to remind yourself of the truth that you have value and worth.

This my journey.  I don’t have all the answers, nor have I been perfected.  But I pray someone is given a ray of hope or comfort.  

Remember:  “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me “Philippians 4:13

If you don’t know Christ and want to know Him, just pray and ask Him to come into your heart.  He’s just a prayer away.  

You say- Lauren Daigle/Anthem Lights Cover

https://youtu.be/DXgMdMc7dg8