The silence can be a thief, killing you slowly on the inside. It robbed me of the ability to grieve properly and process things in a healthy way. You can keep so many secrets regarding abuse, you continue into adulthood with those same practices and no longer even recognize that you are keeping a secret. I am 40 years old and memories and clarity are finding me and I felt unprepared for it. Please understand that sometimes things may not come clear until later in life. However, if you do get counseling, remember don’t be afraid to discuss the things you feel are particularly shameful it may save you some problems later. I didn’t remember everything that happened when I was sexually abused but I didn’t realize 40 was the time I would start remembering. So, I would say keeping certain things inside prevented me from having a proper perspective on things and caused me to allow unacceptable behaviors in relationships, sometimes not recognizing it was not appropriate.
Silence is taught. Abusers teach you to be quiet, while instilling fear of the consequences of speaking out. We can break the pattern, start speaking up with someone who is trusted who can help you. Don’t speak with someone with a pattern of putting you down or divulging your personal information, do a mental review of their history and maturity. I didn’t realize I would still be quiet with new situations in my life, it’s important to break the cycle. It’s hard. I don’t say this as someone who has arrived or even near to it, I say this as someone who has made a mistake and would hate to see someone else suffer the way I did. My silence has taken a toll on my mental health and relationships. Slowly making a concentrated effort to be vulnerable with the people I believe God is leading me to do so with is helping me just to be accountable and real with myself. Unfortunately, coming to this realization at this point in life has brought on much discouragement but an encouraging friend reminded me that this is common.
Sometimes people may say “you just gotta move forward and don’t focus on the past.” While it is true that you can’t make what has happened your primary focus, unresolved trauma affects your behavior and can be the breeding ground for mental illness. It can cloud your judgement in regards to people and other significant things in your life such as your purpose. Your unresolved trauma can affect the people around you. Don’t stuff it, don’t minimize it, but speak up so you can get the help you need. I can’t stress enough to be cautious about who you open up to, but it is a risk that you take when you are ready. Don’t assume because someone is older they may be better able to help you, wisdom is key. The best way to your healing is the way God takes you, so ask Him which way to go. God has chosen to use multiple ways in my journey to healing. I believe as we learn to speak up we will empower our children and the younger generation to speak up, break the cycles of shame and abuse, and bring more awareness to the prevalence of sexual abuse/assault.
Ephesians 5:11-13 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.”
Don’t confuse passivity with humility, they are two different things. Bring the secrets into the light, so that God’s transforming power can turn your pain into power, power to reflect His light through a dark situation.
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