Examine Your Relationships

Relationships can be a place with more abuse or control when you have not dealt with past sexual abuse.  This can be minimized or eliminated by addressing two main lies “I am worthless, I am unloved.”

Start from a place of knowing that you are loved by a big God, and “you are of more worth than many sparrows.”  I believed for a long time that I was worthless and unloved.  When I started from the place of being loved it helped me to set boundaries and try to address things earlier.

Set boundaries.  I continued to choose relationships where there were high levels of control, feeling unable to stop the pattern.  Once I started believing God loved me, things started to change and it became more apparent when someone was trying to control me, because I could not see it before.  Someone who consistently uses shame and excessive criticism to get someone to do what they want has an issue with control.  I continued to apologize for things when I actually wasn’t wrong or for personal choices.  You can still love someone and set boundaries.  Boundaries may look like; minimizing conversations, not being close to that individual, speaking up, ending the relationship, etc.

Romans 12:3 “For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.” I had to recognize that I am not strong in this area of standing up for myself to the point where I have been heard.  It’s important to recognize your weaknesses and strengths.  So, if I have spoken up repeatedly and have not been heard then I have to start setting boundaries.  It helps to minimize the creation of controlling or abusive relationships.  

I used to ignore other people’s weaknesses.  When you have been abused sometimes you make up stories that makes the abuser appear in a better light or covers up the abuse.  Start trying to see people as they are.  You can still love someone even knowing they have weaknesses.  So, if you notice that someone is particularly controlling, just step back and consider how to proceed.  Don’t be afraid to take into consideration the feedback from those who sincerely care about you, because it may be difficult to see problematic relationships because past abuse.  There are some relationships or some places it may be best that you just never be in.  Take a good, sober look at the relationships you are in and pray and ask God to give you a clear view what is best for you. Be prepared and open to what He shows you.

It is not unchristian or unloving to set boundaries.  We all have weaknesses, “all have sinned.”  Sometimes those weaknesses don’t work together well, so we may not be close to everyone and that’s okay.