AFTER FORGIVENESS: THEN WHAT?

Live your life in freedom.  Recognize that you’ve already won, you’re here today so it means you survived when you thought you wouldn’t.  You may have challenges in the future but you can overcome them through the power of God.  Don’t allow your past to limit you, if there are challenges that you still need counseling for get it, if you have to just do things a little bit differently just to overcome then do it but don’t give up.

Some of the challenges I have heard about intimacy in marriage, clothing, continued flashbacks, etc.  Guess what, I have also heard of some people having awesome intimacy in marriage in-spite of what has happened, so we cannot predict what happens in the future.  Just take it one day at a time.  For me it’s just been flashbacks which are usually triggered by unwanted, startling touch and it’s very infrequent. I also had an issue with my clothing, wanting to cover up excessively on a few occasions because I didn’t want to attract any unnecessary attention.  Some things will be under the surface and you won’t be able to recognize that this is something from your past.  But you have to trust that God will do His part in helping you to heal.  Give yourself a lot of grace, you will need it.

Watch out for controlling or abusive future relationships.  Unfortunately, it is true that you may be susceptible to further abuse.  Train yourself to speak up when you are mistreated, you will have to renew your mind in order determine what is mistreatment or you may miss it or everything will seem like mistreatment.  Control was used in this way in the past sexual; they used shame, a behavior that was not wrong in and of itself, manipulation, they twisted the truth.  Generally,  there is a lack of respect.  If my new relationship follows these patterns there is too much control.  You may wonder why I use the past abusers to determine what I will accept now, because there is a pattern and sometimes similarities in people who have issues with control.  People who love you are honest with you while giving you room to make decisions and be who God has called you to be.  Recognize that you are worthy of love and respect, you are God’s image bearer.  Continue to remind yourself of the truth that you have value and worth.

This my journey.  I don’t have all the answers, nor have I been perfected.  But I pray someone is given a ray of hope or comfort.  

Remember:  “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me “Philippians 4:13

If you don’t know Christ and want to know Him, just pray and ask Him to come into your heart.  He’s just a prayer away.  

You say- Lauren Daigle/Anthem Lights Cover

https://youtu.be/DXgMdMc7dg8

FORGIVING THE UNFORGIVABLE (SEXUAL ABUSE/ASSAULT)

Forgiveness is crucial to moving forward, to our well being, to healing.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you excuse their behavior, it doesn’t mean you can’t pursue legal actions against your offenders.  Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation, you do not have to be friends with your offenders if you forgive them.  You can have healthy boundaries with your offenders while forgiving them.

Forgiveness is surrendering your right to get even.  Knowing that there is a God that judges justly is great comfort.  I am not speaking of offenders having to go to jail because you press charges, those are the natural consequences of breaking the law.  

I kept hearing I needed to forgive, but somehow I was unsuccessful.  I didn’t know how.  For me the anger was also buried, I couldn’t tell you all that I was angry about.  This one is a very difficult one.  When I found out that they used manipulation to keep me returning or to silence me, all the anger surfaced. I was not okay.  But as time went on it was helpful because now I could really forgive.  You have to acknowledge the pain in order to forgive.  I also had to accept the consequences of being sexually abused (learned this from a book I read), example flash backs.  For me the flash backs were more challenging to accept because they also came with overwhelming emotions, including anger, which can be confusing when you are choosing to forgive.  Once I accepted the flash backs as a consequence of being abused it was liberating because I knew that God could heal me whenever He chose to.  Until God heals me I remind myself I have forgiven.  Sometimes you have to forgive more than once.

Let me tell you that I walked around with this dark cloud over me, specifically made for the abuse, and extra weight on my shoulders that I did not have to carry every day.  I had a hatred in my heart that seemed to turn on and off toward men.  But now, no such hatred exists.  Since I forgave my abusers by God’s grace I have felt more able to overcome some of the obstacles/difficulties that pop up as a result.  After I forgave I have hope that I don’t have to be controlled by what had happened to me.  God has given me just a little bit more courage just to live my life.  I could go on and on about the liberation and benefits I received because of forgiveness, but I won’t go on and on.  My verse during that time was John 8:36: So if the Son sets you free you will be free indeed.  

This is some heavy stuff, please never be afraid to reach out for help.  You’re never too old or too young to address these issues.

I pray God will help whoever is reading this that needs to forgive the strength and the courage to forgive. 

Remember you are valued, loved, and held by an Amazing God.

This song has been very encouraging to me, I hope it encourages you too.

https://youtu.be/DXgMdMc7dg8

GUILT & SHAME AFTER SEXUAL ABUSE/ASSAULT

Guilt and shame are common responses after being sexually assaulted/abused. After being sexually abused repeatedly I carried around a great deal guilt and shame in-spite of being told I was not responsible.  It was like I held secrets deep down inside that their comforting words could not reach.  Until one day (in my twenties) I was taught that abusers use shame to manipulate their victims into silence.  So, they may use natural bodily responses to stimulation to shame you, or to say you enjoyed it or that you wanted it.  Your body will naturally respond to someone stimulating it and you have no control over that, that is a part of our sexuality.  In one of the instances the manipulation was simple when I tried to end the abuse, I was told “if you don’t come over again “I will tell ... what you have been doing.”  As if I was responsible at 8 ( approximation, unsure of exact age) for what he did to me.  All of that and more was buried deep down inside me way into my adulthood.  God knows what you need to hear and when you need to hear it.  Sometimes a little truth goes a long way, if I didn’t learn that it was a regular love tactic of abusers to manipulate and shame their victims, I would still be ashamed of what I went through.  

Unfortunately, when I felt this deep level of shame I did not know why. I was very disconnected from my feelings related to the abuse.  But I can tell you if you have suffered some sexual abuse/assault you don’t have to feel shame or guilt for what you have suffered. If you carry the weight of thoughts and “secret” manipulations that still cause you feel guilt tell your Heavenly Father He can bear it.   This is called False Guilt learning to distinguish this kind of guilt will help you in the future.  I don’t know that I disclosed why I felt so guilty to those closest to me, when I went through it, not sure why not.  But I would say if you choose to do so make sure that person is trustworthy, emotionally and spiritually mature enough to handle your guilt secrets.   

Everybody’s journey to healing is different.  But support is very helpful to your healing process.  This is a part of my journey through shame and  I encourage you to seek help if you need it.  You are not alone.  You are loved.  You have worth.  “We are more than conquerors through Christ Jesus “Romans 8:37.

Value

The current social climate has brought sexual assault to the forefront with the #Metoo Movement and is freeing men and women from the silence of having dealt with sexual assault at some period in their lives.  It seems like the opportune time to share my own journey that I am currently on with God as He takes me through my own healing of childhood sexual abuse, in the hope that what God has already brought me through will bring healing and hope to someone.    I pray that someone who is just beginning this journey would understand that they are not alone on this journey.   This is not a counseling blog, it is not to intended to replace professional help, please do not be afraid to seek professional help for dealing with any form of sexual assault that happened at any point in your life no matter what sex you are.  I am woman who is passionate about telling others, male or female, where their value actually comes from when they seemed to have lost it.  So, I will start there the Bible says in Luke 12:7 “Why, even, the hairs of your head are numbered.  Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.”  Psalm 139:13-“For You formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  Your value and my value comes from God, whether you have accepted Christ as Savior or not.  He loves you when you don’t love Him and you were created in the very image of God. Your value does not change based upon how others treat you, nor does it change based upon your performance or anything else for that matter.

Now, I did not always believe the fact that I had any value at all.  I lived many years of my life believing that I had no worth at all and trying to find it in other things because some people trampled all over it.  The awesomeness of finding your worth in God and knowing it cannot and will not change has been slowly building those broken places back up.  Knowing that God loved you when you did not love Him back and found you to be “of more value than many sparrows” is freeing.  That means His love is not based on my performance or lack thereof and it makes me want to love Him more.  I was molested by a few different men at different times repeatedly when I was about 8 years old and again at 13.  The age of 8 is an estimation because my memory isn’t perfect with regard to the exact number, but one of the men continued beyond that period even though I tried to stop it as well.  It was like walking around with a target on my back that I could not see.  I could not understand why, I kept being molested by different men.  Before you think my parents or caregivers didn’t properly protect me,   I have to tell you, I was one of the most sheltered kids you may ever know, and I was properly supervised.  It has never, crossed my mind to blame my parents or caregivers because these men were good at what they were doing. 

You think that childhood sexual abuse just goes away, especially if it happened a long time ago.  But sexual assault has, oftentimes long term ramifications, especially when it is not dealt with properly.  I struggle and struggled with depression.  I have had flash backs.  It has led to unhealthy relationships with others.   Sometimes, people who have been assaulted are re-victimized, which happened for me in childhood but in adulthood I ended up in controlling relationships.  

If you struggle with suicidal thoughts, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone you can trust or a professional please.

So, let’s end the silence and begin to learn to live in the freedom that Christ intended for us to have.

John 8:36- “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”