New Identity

Sometimes when you have been abused you may have feelings of rejection.  I carried those feelings for a very long time.  But when you live with that feeling you may hide your true self for fear of being rejected again.  You may also hide under shame and other negative feelings.  But don’t let those things blind you to your true worth.  I had to fight to walk in my  identity.  It’s not a one day and done thing.  It’s a daily reminding yourself of the truth thing.  I would put scriptures on my wall to remind me that “I am fearfully and wonderfully made,” “His own special people,” “His workmanship.”  God loves you and He loves me. Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

When we were created, we were created in His image and that alone gives us worth and value.  Along with that God gave us some talents and when we come to know Him, gifts. We were created for purpose.  When you start to focus on using your gifts and talents from the place where you are already loved.  It clears your vision to see who God is and who He created you to be.  We get a tiny span of time on earth and we want to use it to the fullest and not be bogged down by fear of others.  God has created us uniquely for a purpose.  Start by recognizing your talents and gifts and work on them, you will begin to see things that you are very passionate about and maybe even discover your purpose as a result.  Don’t box God in, your gifts and talents can be used in ways you haven’t even thought of yet, be open.  You have a purpose bigger than yourself, bigger than the labels you or others have put on you.  Start to ask God to help you come out from under the rubble of shame and rejection.  He will shine through and your personality will shine through and you will find a freedom you never knew existed.  Your new identity is here but you may have to fight to walk in it, FIGHT.

Examine Your Relationships

Relationships can be a place with more abuse or control when you have not dealt with past sexual abuse.  This can be minimized or eliminated by addressing two main lies “I am worthless, I am unloved.”

Start from a place of knowing that you are loved by a big God, and “you are of more worth than many sparrows.”  I believed for a long time that I was worthless and unloved.  When I started from the place of being loved it helped me to set boundaries and try to address things earlier.

Set boundaries.  I continued to choose relationships where there were high levels of control, feeling unable to stop the pattern.  Once I started believing God loved me, things started to change and it became more apparent when someone was trying to control me, because I could not see it before.  Someone who consistently uses shame and excessive criticism to get someone to do what they want has an issue with control.  I continued to apologize for things when I actually wasn’t wrong or for personal choices.  You can still love someone and set boundaries.  Boundaries may look like; minimizing conversations, not being close to that individual, speaking up, ending the relationship, etc.

Romans 12:3 “For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.” I had to recognize that I am not strong in this area of standing up for myself to the point where I have been heard.  It’s important to recognize your weaknesses and strengths.  So, if I have spoken up repeatedly and have not been heard then I have to start setting boundaries.  It helps to minimize the creation of controlling or abusive relationships.  

I used to ignore other people’s weaknesses.  When you have been abused sometimes you make up stories that makes the abuser appear in a better light or covers up the abuse.  Start trying to see people as they are.  You can still love someone even knowing they have weaknesses.  So, if you notice that someone is particularly controlling, just step back and consider how to proceed.  Don’t be afraid to take into consideration the feedback from those who sincerely care about you, because it may be difficult to see problematic relationships because past abuse.  There are some relationships or some places it may be best that you just never be in.  Take a good, sober look at the relationships you are in and pray and ask God to give you a clear view what is best for you. Be prepared and open to what He shows you.

It is not unchristian or unloving to set boundaries.  We all have weaknesses, “all have sinned.”  Sometimes those weaknesses don’t work together well, so we may not be close to everyone and that’s okay.  

Speak Up!! (The Cost of Silence)

The silence can be a thief, killing you slowly on the inside. It robbed me of the ability to grieve properly and process things in a healthy way.  You can keep so many secrets regarding abuse, you continue into adulthood with those same practices and no longer even recognize that you are keeping a secret.  I am 40 years old and memories and clarity are finding me and I felt unprepared for it.  Please understand that sometimes things may not come clear until later in life.  However, if you do get counseling, remember don’t be afraid to discuss the things you feel are particularly shameful it may save you some problems later.  I didn’t remember everything that happened when I was sexually abused but I didn’t realize 40 was the time I would start remembering.  So, I would say keeping certain things inside prevented me from having a proper perspective on things and caused me to allow unacceptable behaviors in relationships, sometimes not recognizing it was not appropriate.

Silence is taught.  Abusers teach you to be quiet, while instilling fear of the consequences of speaking out.  We can break the pattern, start speaking up with someone who is trusted who can help you.  Don’t speak with someone with a pattern of putting you down or divulging your personal information, do a mental review of their history and maturity. I didn’t realize I would still be quiet with new situations in my life, it’s important to break the cycle.  It’s hard.  I don’t say this as someone who has arrived or even near to it, I say this as someone who has made a mistake and would hate to see someone else suffer the way I did.  My silence has taken a toll on my mental health and relationships.  Slowly making a concentrated effort to be vulnerable with the people I believe God is leading me to do so with is helping me just to be accountable and real with myself.  Unfortunately, coming to this realization at this point in life has brought on much discouragement but an encouraging friend reminded me that this is common.

Sometimes people may say “you just gotta move forward and don’t focus on the past.”  While it is true that you can’t make what has happened your primary focus, unresolved trauma affects your behavior and can be the breeding ground for mental illness.  It can cloud your judgement in regards to people and other significant things in your life such as your purpose.  Your unresolved trauma can affect the people around you.  Don’t stuff it, don’t minimize it, but speak up so you can get the help you need.  I can’t stress enough to be cautious about who you open up to, but it is a risk that you take when you are ready.  Don’t assume because someone is older they may be better able to help you, wisdom is key.  The best way to your healing is the way God takes you, so ask Him which way to go.  God has chosen to use multiple ways in my journey to healing.  I believe as we learn to speak up we will empower our children and the younger generation to speak up, break the cycles of shame and abuse, and bring more awareness to the prevalence of sexual abuse/assault.

Ephesians 5:11-13 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.”

Don’t confuse passivity with humility, they are two different things.  Bring the secrets into the light, so that God’s transforming power can turn your pain into power, power to reflect His light through a dark situation.

AFTER FORGIVENESS: THEN WHAT?

Live your life in freedom.  Recognize that you’ve already won, you’re here today so it means you survived when you thought you wouldn’t.  You may have challenges in the future but you can overcome them through the power of God.  Don’t allow your past to limit you, if there are challenges that you still need counseling for get it, if you have to just do things a little bit differently just to overcome then do it but don’t give up.

Some of the challenges I have heard about intimacy in marriage, clothing, continued flashbacks, etc.  Guess what, I have also heard of some people having awesome intimacy in marriage in-spite of what has happened, so we cannot predict what happens in the future.  Just take it one day at a time.  For me it’s just been flashbacks which are usually triggered by unwanted, startling touch and it’s very infrequent. I also had an issue with my clothing, wanting to cover up excessively on a few occasions because I didn’t want to attract any unnecessary attention.  Some things will be under the surface and you won’t be able to recognize that this is something from your past.  But you have to trust that God will do His part in helping you to heal.  Give yourself a lot of grace, you will need it.

Watch out for controlling or abusive future relationships.  Unfortunately, it is true that you may be susceptible to further abuse.  Train yourself to speak up when you are mistreated, you will have to renew your mind in order determine what is mistreatment or you may miss it or everything will seem like mistreatment.  Control was used in this way in the past sexual; they used shame, a behavior that was not wrong in and of itself, manipulation, they twisted the truth.  Generally,  there is a lack of respect.  If my new relationship follows these patterns there is too much control.  You may wonder why I use the past abusers to determine what I will accept now, because there is a pattern and sometimes similarities in people who have issues with control.  People who love you are honest with you while giving you room to make decisions and be who God has called you to be.  Recognize that you are worthy of love and respect, you are God’s image bearer.  Continue to remind yourself of the truth that you have value and worth.

This my journey.  I don’t have all the answers, nor have I been perfected.  But I pray someone is given a ray of hope or comfort.  

Remember:  “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me “Philippians 4:13

If you don’t know Christ and want to know Him, just pray and ask Him to come into your heart.  He’s just a prayer away.  

You say- Lauren Daigle/Anthem Lights Cover

https://youtu.be/DXgMdMc7dg8

FORGIVING THE UNFORGIVABLE (SEXUAL ABUSE/ASSAULT)

Forgiveness is crucial to moving forward, to our well being, to healing.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you excuse their behavior, it doesn’t mean you can’t pursue legal actions against your offenders.  Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation, you do not have to be friends with your offenders if you forgive them.  You can have healthy boundaries with your offenders while forgiving them.

Forgiveness is surrendering your right to get even.  Knowing that there is a God that judges justly is great comfort.  I am not speaking of offenders having to go to jail because you press charges, those are the natural consequences of breaking the law.  

I kept hearing I needed to forgive, but somehow I was unsuccessful.  I didn’t know how.  For me the anger was also buried, I couldn’t tell you all that I was angry about.  This one is a very difficult one.  When I found out that they used manipulation to keep me returning or to silence me, all the anger surfaced. I was not okay.  But as time went on it was helpful because now I could really forgive.  You have to acknowledge the pain in order to forgive.  I also had to accept the consequences of being sexually abused (learned this from a book I read), example flash backs.  For me the flash backs were more challenging to accept because they also came with overwhelming emotions, including anger, which can be confusing when you are choosing to forgive.  Once I accepted the flash backs as a consequence of being abused it was liberating because I knew that God could heal me whenever He chose to.  Until God heals me I remind myself I have forgiven.  Sometimes you have to forgive more than once.

Let me tell you that I walked around with this dark cloud over me, specifically made for the abuse, and extra weight on my shoulders that I did not have to carry every day.  I had a hatred in my heart that seemed to turn on and off toward men.  But now, no such hatred exists.  Since I forgave my abusers by God’s grace I have felt more able to overcome some of the obstacles/difficulties that pop up as a result.  After I forgave I have hope that I don’t have to be controlled by what had happened to me.  God has given me just a little bit more courage just to live my life.  I could go on and on about the liberation and benefits I received because of forgiveness, but I won’t go on and on.  My verse during that time was John 8:36: So if the Son sets you free you will be free indeed.  

This is some heavy stuff, please never be afraid to reach out for help.  You’re never too old or too young to address these issues.

I pray God will help whoever is reading this that needs to forgive the strength and the courage to forgive. 

Remember you are valued, loved, and held by an Amazing God.

This song has been very encouraging to me, I hope it encourages you too.

https://youtu.be/DXgMdMc7dg8

GUILT & SHAME AFTER SEXUAL ABUSE/ASSAULT

Guilt and shame are common responses after being sexually assaulted/abused. After being sexually abused repeatedly I carried around a great deal guilt and shame in-spite of being told I was not responsible.  It was like I held secrets deep down inside that their comforting words could not reach.  Until one day (in my twenties) I was taught that abusers use shame to manipulate their victims into silence.  So, they may use natural bodily responses to stimulation to shame you, or to say you enjoyed it or that you wanted it.  Your body will naturally respond to someone stimulating it and you have no control over that, that is a part of our sexuality.  In one of the instances the manipulation was simple when I tried to end the abuse, I was told “if you don’t come over again “I will tell ... what you have been doing.”  As if I was responsible at 8 ( approximation, unsure of exact age) for what he did to me.  All of that and more was buried deep down inside me way into my adulthood.  God knows what you need to hear and when you need to hear it.  Sometimes a little truth goes a long way, if I didn’t learn that it was a regular love tactic of abusers to manipulate and shame their victims, I would still be ashamed of what I went through.  

Unfortunately, when I felt this deep level of shame I did not know why. I was very disconnected from my feelings related to the abuse.  But I can tell you if you have suffered some sexual abuse/assault you don’t have to feel shame or guilt for what you have suffered. If you carry the weight of thoughts and “secret” manipulations that still cause you feel guilt tell your Heavenly Father He can bear it.   This is called False Guilt learning to distinguish this kind of guilt will help you in the future.  I don’t know that I disclosed why I felt so guilty to those closest to me, when I went through it, not sure why not.  But I would say if you choose to do so make sure that person is trustworthy, emotionally and spiritually mature enough to handle your guilt secrets.   

Everybody’s journey to healing is different.  But support is very helpful to your healing process.  This is a part of my journey through shame and  I encourage you to seek help if you need it.  You are not alone.  You are loved.  You have worth.  “We are more than conquerors through Christ Jesus “Romans 8:37.

Value

The current social climate has brought sexual assault to the forefront with the #Metoo Movement and is freeing men and women from the silence of having dealt with sexual assault at some period in their lives.  It seems like the opportune time to share my own journey that I am currently on with God as He takes me through my own healing of childhood sexual abuse, in the hope that what God has already brought me through will bring healing and hope to someone.    I pray that someone who is just beginning this journey would understand that they are not alone on this journey.   This is not a counseling blog, it is not to intended to replace professional help, please do not be afraid to seek professional help for dealing with any form of sexual assault that happened at any point in your life no matter what sex you are.  I am woman who is passionate about telling others, male or female, where their value actually comes from when they seemed to have lost it.  So, I will start there the Bible says in Luke 12:7 “Why, even, the hairs of your head are numbered.  Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.”  Psalm 139:13-“For You formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  Your value and my value comes from God, whether you have accepted Christ as Savior or not.  He loves you when you don’t love Him and you were created in the very image of God. Your value does not change based upon how others treat you, nor does it change based upon your performance or anything else for that matter.

Now, I did not always believe the fact that I had any value at all.  I lived many years of my life believing that I had no worth at all and trying to find it in other things because some people trampled all over it.  The awesomeness of finding your worth in God and knowing it cannot and will not change has been slowly building those broken places back up.  Knowing that God loved you when you did not love Him back and found you to be “of more value than many sparrows” is freeing.  That means His love is not based on my performance or lack thereof and it makes me want to love Him more.  I was molested by a few different men at different times repeatedly when I was about 8 years old and again at 13.  The age of 8 is an estimation because my memory isn’t perfect with regard to the exact number, but one of the men continued beyond that period even though I tried to stop it as well.  It was like walking around with a target on my back that I could not see.  I could not understand why, I kept being molested by different men.  Before you think my parents or caregivers didn’t properly protect me,   I have to tell you, I was one of the most sheltered kids you may ever know, and I was properly supervised.  It has never, crossed my mind to blame my parents or caregivers because these men were good at what they were doing. 

You think that childhood sexual abuse just goes away, especially if it happened a long time ago.  But sexual assault has, oftentimes long term ramifications, especially when it is not dealt with properly.  I struggle and struggled with depression.  I have had flash backs.  It has led to unhealthy relationships with others.   Sometimes, people who have been assaulted are re-victimized, which happened for me in childhood but in adulthood I ended up in controlling relationships.  

If you struggle with suicidal thoughts, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone you can trust or a professional please.

So, let’s end the silence and begin to learn to live in the freedom that Christ intended for us to have.

John 8:36- “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”